Hello, fellow Earthlings! Join us today in the legendary course starter “Xenomorph Farming 101: The Technically Correct (and Absolutely Bonkers) Guide”, where we’re going to embark on a wild and wonderful journey into the realm of the absurd. Buckle up and hold on to your flamethrowers, because we’re going to learn the technically correct way to breed, hatch, and kill a xenomorph. Yes, you read that right. And no, I haven’t finally lost it. Maybe.
Disclaimer:
Xenomorphs are fictional and extremely dangerous creatures from the Alien franchise. This guide is purely theoretical, not to mention ridiculous, and not intended for actual use. Seriously, don’t try this at home (or anywhere else)! The author bares no liability or responsibility for any actions preformed due to the knowledge below.
Step 1: Breeding
The breeding process of xenomorphs, as depicted in the Alien series, is quite unique and involves a multi-stage lifecycle that is parasitic in nature. To start the breeding process, you would first need a Queen (a lovely creature with all the charm of a chainsaw). The Queen is the largest and most intelligent member of the xenomorph species, and she is the one who lays the eggs. These eggs contain facehuggers, the second stage of the xenomorph life cycle. Now, assuming you’ve somehow managed to procure a Queen (which, let’s be honest, sounds more like the plot of Alien 6: This Time It’s Personal than anything else), you’ll need to create a suitable environment for her to lay eggs. This would likely involve a dark, warm, and humid location, preferably with easy access to hosts. And by hosts, I mean living creatures for the facehuggers to… well, hug. In their own special, life-ending way. Remember, the third stage of the xenomorph life cycle involves the facehugger implanting an embryo into a host. The type of host can influence the characteristics of the resulting xenomorph. In the Alien series, we’ve seen dog-like xenomorphs, human-like xenomorphs, and even a Predator-like xenomorph, so choose your host wisely! Finally, once the facehugger has done its sinister job, it will detach and die, leaving the host to carry the embryo to term. After a short gestation period, the xenomorph will burst out of the host in a rather… explosive birth. And voila! You’ve successfully bred a xenomorph. Again, this is all purely theoretical and based on what’s shown in the Alien franchise. Do not attempt this at home, in space, or anywhere else in the known (or unknown) universe!
Step 2: Hatching
Now, for the hatching part.
In the egg stage of the xenomorph life cycle, the pre-stage of the creature that we colloquially refer to as the “facehugger” slumbers, waiting for a potential host to come into close proximity. The egg itself is a leathery capsule, and within it, the facehugger is curled up, ready to spring into action. Once a host is close enough, the egg reacts. It opens up at the top, folding back in four sections to reveal the facehugger inside. You could say the eggs have a sort of proximity sensor, but it’s not exactly technical – it’s more organic and biological. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT rush the process by sticking your face directly over the egg. This is a bad idea. A very, very bad idea. Instead, set up a cozy little environment for your soon-to-be baby xenomorph. Think warm, humid, and as far away from your face as possible. The hatching process is essentially the facehugger’s launch sequence. It springs out at an astonishing speed, aiming to latch onto the face of the host (hence, facehugger). At this point, the facehugger will implant an embryo into the host through the mouth – a process we won’t detail here for the sake of maintaining some semblance of appetite. It’s crucial to note that any attempt to remove the facehugger prematurely can result in the host’s death. The creature has a tight grip, and its tail can tighten around the host’s neck in a reflexive action. It also secretes a corrosive fluid when threatened, so direct physical contact or damage is highly discouraged. In short, hatching a xenomorph egg is a process that’s just as unnerving as you’d expect from the Alien franchise. It’s not so much about providing the right conditions as it is about the egg sensing the presence of a suitable host. This is not a chicken-and-egg scenario – unless the chicken was a nightmarish alien parasite, that is. Remember, when dealing with xenomorphs, patience is not just a virtue, but a survival strategy. These eggs can take anywhere from a few hours to several days to hatch. Once again, this is all fictional. Please do not try hatching xenomorph eggs at home, or anywhere else. Stick to chickens. Or ducks. Ducks are good too.
Step 3: Killing
This is the part where things get tricky. You have to kill this biomechanical nightmare before it kills you. As you’ve probably guessed, this isn’t easy. In fact, it’s ludicrously hard. But hey, we’ve come this far, right? If you’ve paid any attention, you’ll know that killing a xenomorph is no easy feat. These creatures are known for their resilience, agility, and inherent lethality. Equipped with corrosive blood, a secondary mouth that can punch through metal, and a bladed tail, they are biological killing machines. But let’s put on our bravado hats and talk about how one might theoretically deal with such a menace. In the *Alien* films, there are a few methods that have proven effective in killing xenomorphs.
- 1. Incineration: Xenomorphs appear to have an aversion to extreme heat. Flamethrowers have been used in the Alien franchise to kill xenomorphs, so fire is definitely a suitable method. But remember, these creatures are fast and agile, so you’d need to be quick and accurate with your aim.
- 2. Explosive Decompression: In Alien and Aliens, xenomorphs are ejected into the vacuum of space, causing them to be either torn apart by the force of decompression or left to drift in the vacuum of space. This method, however, requires access to an airlock and a spacecraft, which aren’t exactly household items.
- 3. Physical Trauma: In Alien 3, a xenomorph is killed by molten lead and subsequent rapid cooling. This implies that while they are resistant to damage, they are not invincible. Extreme physical trauma can kill them, but good luck getting close enough to deal that kind of damage without ending up as alien chow.
- 4. Weapons from the Predator Universe: In the Alien vs. Predator films, the Predators’ advanced technology, including their plasma casters and bladed weapons, have proven effective against xenomorphs. However, getting your hands on such technology might be just as challenging as dealing with a xenomorph itself.
Killing a xenomorph is a dangerous and daunting task, requiring not only the right tools but also a good deal of courage (or perhaps insanity). And remember, this is all theoretically speaking. In reality, your best bet is to enjoy these fascinating creatures from the safety of your living room, preferably with a bowl of popcorn and the knowledge that xenomorphs are thankfully not real.
In the unlikely event that you’ve managed to breed, hatch, and kill a xenomorph using this guide, congratulations! You’re either the luckiest or the most foolish person in the universe.
Conclusion
In the end, while it might be technically possible to breed, hatch, and kill a xenomorph, it’s also technically possible to teach a crocodile to tap dance. That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. It’s much safer and easier to enjoy these terrifying creatures from the comfort of your own home, preferably on a screen and not in an egg you bought off eBay. That’s all for today’s ludicrously unhelpful guide. Remember, folks, no one can hear you scream in space, but they can definitely hear you laugh at the absurdity of xenomorph farming. Thank you for attending Xenomorph Farming 101: The Technically Correct Guide! Until next time, stay safe, stay sane, and whatever you do, don’t stick your face over a suspiciously pulsating alien egg!