This guide was not written by a real dinosaur, despite its raw and unfiltered Jurassic charm. The author is totally human with a robust sense of humanity and liveliness. Any resemblance to actual dinosaurs, living, extinct, or digital, is purely coincidental.
Greetings to all you intrepid explorers, dinosaur enthusiasts, and gluttons for punishment! Welcome to the most technically correct guide to Ark: Survival Evolved, a game where the developers have evolved the survival genre to include more prehistoric terror than you can shake a pointy stick at. First things first, Ark: Survival Evolved is not a game about wrangling dinosaurs. No, no, no, my dear reader, it is a game about managing one’s blood pressure while simultaneously wondering why one would spend hours taming a T-Rex only to have it devoured by a swarm of prehistoric mosquitos, otherwise known as Troodons.
Character Creation: The Most Important Choice You’ll Regret Later
Let’s begin with character creation. The game provides a wealth of customization options, including the ability to tweak your arm length, leg size, torso, and more. But here’s the technically correct truth: you’re just designing a more appetizing meal for the resident carnivores. However, we recommend making your arms significantly longer than your legs for the scientifically unproven advantage of outrunning your friends when fleeing from a rampaging Spinosaurus. Remember, you don’t need to be faster than the Spino, just faster than your slowest friend.
Survival Basics: Punch Trees, Acquire Tools
Your first task in Ark: Survival Evolved is simple and intuitive, punch a tree. Yes, you read that right. In the grand tradition of survival games, your soft, fragile human hands are the perfect tool for beating the bark off a tree to gather resources. But don’t worry, the game provides a handy (pun intended) health meter to remind you that punching a solid woody plant is, in fact, harmful.
The Art of Taming: Fetch the Narcotics
Taming dinosaurs is one of the more unique aspects of Ark: Survival Evolved. The game doesn’t just allow you to tame dinosaurs; it practically insists on it. You see, dinosaurs are not only useful for getting around faster, or gathering resources more efficiently, they’re also great for making your neighbors jealous. “Is that Bob riding a Triceratops? Darn it, I’m still on a Parasaur.”
The taming process is basically a glorified kidnapping. You knock out the dinosaur, feed it its favorite food or raw meat if you’re not picky, and keep it unconscious with narcotics. Oddly enough, this process seems to endear you to the dinosaur. Who would have guessed?
Base Building: Your Temporary Home
Building a base is essential in Ark: Survival Evolved. It’s a place to keep your hard-earned resources, your tamed dinosaurs, and a respawn point for when (not if) you die. However, let’s be technically correct, your base is just a temporary storage until a larger predator (human or dinosaur) comes along. So, invest wisely in those defenses!
PvP: The Real Predators
Ark: Survival Evolved has a PvP component. Now, you might think that with all these dinosaurs running around, the most significant threat would be a hungry T-Rex or a grumpy Brontosaurus. But, oh, how wrong you would be. The most dangerous creature in Ark: Survival Evolved is, you guessed it, other players. Yes, in a world filled with prehistoric terror, the guy named “xX_DinoSlayer69_Xx” is your biggest concern. They’ve leveled up, they’ve tamed their dinosaur army, and they have a base that looks like it was designed by a team of paranoid architects. They’re the kings and queens of the Jurassic world, and you’re just a snack waiting to happen.
The Technically Correct Way to Play
If you’ve made it this far, then you’re ready for the real meat of this guide. The technically correct way to play Ark: Survival Evolved is to accept that you’re not going to survive. Death is just a respawn away. Your bases will be destroyed, your tamed dinosaurs will be killed or stolen, and you’ll be left alone on the beach, naked and afraid, more times than you can count.
But don’t despair! The beauty of Ark is the journey, not the destination. Each death is a lesson learned, each lost dinosaur a tragic story to share around the campfire, and each destroyed base an opportunity to build something even better. The game is a brutal, unforgiving grind, but it’s also an adventure unlike any other. So, buckle up, potential dino-snacks. It’s going to be a wild ride.
Conclusion: Embrace the Chaos
Ark: Survival Evolved is a game that doesn’t pull any punches. It’s a game where you’ll punch trees, tame dinosaurs, build bases, and die… a lot. It’s a game where the biggest threat isn’t the T-Rex or the Spinosaurus, but the other players who have mastered the art of survival. But most importantly, it’s a game that’s as hilarious as it is brutal, and that’s what makes it so much fun.
So, get out there and enjoy the chaos. Because in Ark: Survival Evolved, the only thing that’s guaranteed is a good time… and death, lots and lots of death. But hey, at least you’ll have a smile on your face as you’re being devoured by a pack of raptors. Because let’s be technically correct: that’s the real Ark: Survival Evolved experience.
Disclaimer:
Before you go running off to test our “technically correct” Ark: Survival Evolved guide, it is imperative you acknowledge this wonderfully legal and 100% necessary disclaimer.
1. The guide’s recommendation to have longer arms to outrun friends during Spinosaurus attacks is for entertainment purposes only. In the digital world of Ark, leg length matters. In reality, we suggest developing a healthy cardio routine.
2. The author takes no responsibility, and is not liable, for any emotional distress caused by the brutal deaths of your digital dinosaurs. Remember: digital dinosaurs are not pets. They’re pixels on a screen, even if they have a tendency to grow on you.
3. The guide’s claim that “the most dangerous creature in Ark: Survival Evolved is other players” is an opinion, not a fact. Some might argue that the Troodon’s ferocious bite or the Giganotosaurus’s earth-shaking stomp is far more terrifying. We’ll let you be the judge of that.
4. The term “glorified kidnapping” used to describe the taming process is a humorous exaggeration. The author does not endorse kidnapping, glorified or otherwise, in any shape or form, even when it comes to fictional dinosaurs.
5. Finally, the author is not responsible for any time lost, relationships strained, or sleep sacrificed in the pursuit of Ark: Survival Evolved mastery. Remember, it’s a game. Have fun, take breaks, and don’t forget to eat, drink, and sleep in the real world.
Now that you’ve been thoroughly disclaimed, go forth and explore, survive, and inevitably die in Ark: Survival Evolved. Whether you’re a novice dino-rider or a seasoned survival expert, remember one thing: technically, we’re all just snacks waiting to happen in the world of Ark.